


Going Away

by wrhl



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: 1940s, Homophobia, M/M, period fic, period!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:10:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7971265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrhl/pseuds/wrhl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A late summer in the 1940s leads two young lovers to discuss a way out of the heat of prying eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Away

Frank knew what he felt was wrong. His priest said it, his mother said it. His own mind said it. But there was someone who spoke through the static of negativity. In little whispers of hope of a better life of closed doors and stolen kisses. A glimmer, a gleam, an oasis of forbidden love.

Gerard talked about how there were men that got away with it. Their whole lives could be spent loving each other, if they were careful enough. Frank wanted desperately to be careful enough to love him for all his life, he had already wasted the first 17 years of his life not knowing the beauty of his skin, he had to make up for lost time with the rest of his life. But that meant, that he had to hide.

They were good at it, had gotten good at hiding what they were and how they felt. They stole kisses in passionate moments of silence and lonesomeness. The dark of the night was their cover as they met behind the library where they both worked and in the tall bushes behind Frank’s house. They stole caresses in Frank’s bedroom in the middle of the night, holding each other close till the morning came and Gerard had to sneak away again.

Frank’s heart was in a rush, beating far too fast for him to only have one. Every time he kissed him, he thought of the possibility of running away, of living with him where no one would know what they were or what they did together. Every time he thought about him, his heart skipped a beat.

There was danger in their love, there was excitement, beauty. But that part was just the prettier picture of what they were; forbidden.

He knew it was wrong, and he loved him anyway.

 

On a gentle morning, the light of the cruel sun starting to shine through was peach colored on Gerard’s pale face. Frank liked the way he looked when he was covered in bright hope. He liked looking at him in the light, even if it meant he had to go soon.

He stared at his forbidden boy, cherishing the last few moments they had in the quiet together. It would be a day of secrecy again, once the sun turned yellow, losing its innocent pink to be the too bright, beating yellow that it always was when they were forbidden to be together. Frank wished it could be morning forever.

“We could run away, Frank. We could get away from here.” Gerard’s pipedreams were as sweet as his whispering voice. His eyelashes were closed on his eyes, splaying out like spider legs on his alabaster face.

Frank loved him.

Frank played with his hair, twisting a strand around his finger as he thought. There was nothing keeping him here besides fear of leaving. And nothing pushing him away besides fear of staying. He licked his lips and whispered back, “Yes, yes, we could.” His voice was even more hushed than Gerard’s was. Or at least it felt like that.

His voice was dry, like mud when the sun catches up to it and soaks up all the water and leaves it a cracking mess. His throat felt even dryer.

“What’s stopping us?” Gerard asked. His voice always got excited when he asked Frank these kinds of questions. He would throw himself into a frenzy dreaming of a better life, eyes dizzy in the wake of looking down the line, ten, twenty years.

But Frank was not so sure that they could escape this, whatever they were. Certainly, not for that long. Even though he didn’t like to think about what would happen to them if they ever were caught.

He shivered to himself, a chill going down his spine, arms suddenly goose bumping. He felt a little more anxious to get Gerard to leave. The day would soon be upon them, and then would everyone’s eyes.

What they did would always be forbidden. And Frank would always feel the guilt of loving Gerard, no matter how right it felt, how pure it was.

He looked away, dropping his hair and staring out the window. The sky was orange and pink now, the morning was rapidly approaching, Gerard would have to sneak out the back door again in a few minutes. Frank was tired of hiding. But he didn’t want to start having to run, either.

“I’m afraid.” Frank was honest, he was petrified that nothing would change, they would just be penniless and directionless in a new place with the same need to hide it all. There was no point to what Gerard wanted them to do.

“I’ll be the brave one, Frank. We could leave here, and we could love.” Gerard sat up, staring Frank in the eyes, his own colorful iris bright with his words. His words were pale pink, strawberry shake colored and his eyes were a green, like the leaves on the trees in the sunset. The shadow of his nose hung on his face.

It was almost time for him to leave.

Frank couldn’t help but feel the same delight, though. Despite the morning approaching, Gerard was beautiful, and Frank would follow him to the ends of the earth if he had to. But he knew that it would do no good, so he fought it. He was still the more realistic of the two.

“What if we never escape it?”

It was less of a what if and more of a fatal flaw in Gerard’s plan. There was nowhere they could love safely, lest it be behind closed doors or in the dead of night. There was nothing that was going to save them from the wrath of the world. Gerard never seem to get that. And Frank maybe understood it too much.

“Then I will love you in secret.” Gerard’s voice was too hopeful, too sweet. It was starting to rot Frank’s teeth. His hands petted Frank’s. He had paint stains, a few paper cuts. Red, irritated wounds mixing with dark blue. Every part of him was a part of the world.

Frank dipped into his lips, pressing against his strawberry colored, joy flavored mouth. He got a rush down his spine as he kissed him. If only what they did could be as easy as that.

If only everyone could see that what they were doing was okay, that what they were was alright, that he could just love him like this and they could leave them be. It would be so much easier if all Frank did all his life was kiss Gerard quietly in the morning sunlight.

He had to let himself back away from the taste of ambrosia that was his lips. They were already pushing it with the time anyway.

“You need to go, Gerard. It’s morning.” His voice was dry.

His passionate kiss did nothing to soften up his voice. He was still terrified of leaving, still terse at the prospect of. Gerard was much too bright for either of the lover’s own goods.

Gerard’s lips trembled as they sat so close to Frank’s, brushing against his as he spoke breathless words. “Do you still love me, Frank?” He was always afraid of the worst happening, every wrong look or cold shoulder meant the absolute worst to Gerard, but he didn’t blame him, everything was much too confusing with them.

Frank closed his eyes. As his teeth rotted his heart did, too, a flailing beat as it was strangled to death with Gerard’s tone sounded out in his ears like a church bell. “Yes, Gerard. I love you very much.” _That’s the problem_ , he tacked on, thinking that only to himself. Gerard wouldn’t very much like that add on.

Gerard crawled away from him, still watching him with wide and hurt eyes. Frank could only see the reflection of the now yellow light in his eyelids. The day always ruined everything, didn’t it?

Frank heard the soft scuffle of feet and the door close. And Gerard was gone for the day, slipped away and tucked into every crevice of Frank’s mind.

They were never going to get away from this. And what scared him more, was that they weren’t going to get away with this. It was all just a matter of time.

 

Frank walked into the library later that day, the building bustling with silent activity, everyone in a pact of quiet commitment to what they were doing.

He liked the library, it was like where secrets still hid but they hid in the open. No one spoke about them but everyone knew, there were no repercussions. Boy, he wished he could live like that. Out in the open like that, not acknowledged, but definitely not belittled. He wanted to love Gerard out in the open. He wanted to be able to wipe the sadness from his face and not have to run away.

Gerard was slinking behind the counter, eyes darting to him but not giving anything away. They were far too good at hiding for them to make that mistake again. It had only happened a few times in their beginning relationship. They were quick to learn to not make the folly again.

A few loose stares and people were a little bit wary, but that was soon forgotten, they were back to normal for the rest of the world. No one knew, there was nothing that they could know, they left everything in the dark, in the little places of true sanctuary. No one knew about them and that was how Frank was desperate to keep it.

Even if he did want to be able to live in the light.

Frank smiled at Gerard, warm lips breaking into a sign of truce. That was the least he could do for him since that morning in his bedroom. The cold conversation, the warm sun. Too many of their meetings always seemed to end like that, lately. He was always hurting him, in the past few weeks. He couldn’t apologize to him right now, no it was much too public for that. He would have to give his apologies in the bushes behind his house in the middle of the night when they had the chance to meet without any prying eyes.

Gerard watched as he walked up to the counter, of course keeping it as discreet as possible. Too much staring would lead the observant onlooker to notice what was going on. They couldn’t let that happen, and they were careful that it didn’t. But Frank still wanted to look away from his stare, leave him hanging out to dry just to be sure.

He couldn’t do that, give him the cold shoulder. Gerard deserved something more than that.

Frank wished he could live in the early morning hours of his bedroom with Gerard forever. There was nothing to worry about when it was just them together, away from everyone else. They could be themselves all alone. And they could stare at each other and smile at each other all day long and there would be nothing to apologize for because there would be nothing to fight about.

He sighed and got to work with his lover, silent. No one would know. No one would even think of what they did with each other. They couldn’t. They would die if everyone else knew, but Frank never liked thinking about that. It made his soul turn to mush. He didn’t want to think about what would happen if they were caught.

He went to go check on the books, breaking his stare from Gerard’s.

Frank felt vaguely normal when he was doing this, even if it was stifling. There was something beautiful in the mundane work that kept them from being found.

 

That night Gerard found him at their rendezvous point, laying on the ground and watching the stars. He walked up to him, feet crunching the earth softly. The leaves were starting to fall; it would be autumn soon.

That meant that they could stay together longer, the nights growing while the days shortened. Frank was glad for the time that they would be allotted soon enough to be together.

Gerard smiled at him, nervous, hair being blown about by a gust of wind that came through.

His hair was tousled, shirt a little bit more unkempt than what Frank had saw that morning. But he was not worried, the look was all due to the time of day. Gerard never looked all put together by night time.

That was something Frank loved about him. The fact that he let his guard down by the time they were set to meet was something that Frank cherished. He was Gerard’s sole confidante; the only person he could truly be at ease with.

Frank sat up, and Gerard sat down. He looked like he wanted to continue their conversation from the other day, and Frank couldn’t be opposed to it. He had to face this head on instead of shirking it off. It was time for him to face this, head on.

He had to listen to his lover. There was no avoiding this.

Gerard tucked his feet under his body, sitting cross legged, and he looked at Frank. He pulled out some cigarettes from his shirt pocket, handing one to his lover. “Do you want to run away with me or not, Frank?” He wasn’t going to dance around the subject, he was going to get right to it.

His eyes bore into Frank’s and Frank wanted to flinch at them. Even in the night they were as bright as the blade of a dagger, green as a young tree.

Frank nodded at him, lighting both of their cigarettes. He was quiet for a moment, taking a drag out of the now burning stick, brightly lit in the dark night. A star in his fingers. “I’m scared we’ll never get away from this. I’m scared we’ll always have to hide.” He couldn’t look at Gerard.

Gerard was staring at him, smoking his own cigarette. His eyes were boring into the side of Frank’s face. “We’ll never be able to be free. But at least we can run away from here. We can get away from here and go to a place where nobody knows our names, Frank. We can go where nobody knows us.”

That sounded nice, but Frank was still on the fence. He knew that they should leave but it all felt for naught. “They’ll know what we’re doing when we go away together, when we just run away. They’ll make assumptions. Everyone will know and they’ll come for us.”

Gerard was silent for a moment, taking another breath of smoke. “We don’t have to run away, per say. We can just leave. Go off to college in the same town and never come back, take a job in a faraway town and work at the library. Why are you so against leaving, Frankie?”

The last sentence was bitter, quietly spoken and accusatory. Frank felt terrible that he had had to make Gerard say that in such a tone.

His words bit into Frank’s stomach and twisted his soul into a knot. He was accusing him of not wanting to leave this behind. Frank couldn’t let his baby feel bad any longer. Gerard was too good for that. But Frank was always the realist and he was scared to death of what Gerard was proposing, so he fought it anyway, like a fox gnawing off his own foot when the trapper was offering to set him free.

He finally looked to him with cold eyes and furrowed brows. “I just don’t see the difference it’ll make.” The ashes he swept away from his cigarette burned him on the way down but he paid it no mind. He just looked to Gerard, staring him in the eyes which grew wide with disbelief, disappointment and betray.

Gerard looked off to the woods to the side of Frank’s house. Frank couldn’t tell if he was already crying or if he was about to. Gerard was always a little too good at hiding this.

“Listen, Frank. We’re never going to be able to get away from this. You and me, what they think of us. There’s nothing that’s going to stop it. But we can at least get away, start fresh in a place where no one thinks what we are is anything but friends. You know they’re getting suspicious, and the longer we stay here, the more conclusions they’re going to reach. I’m just thinking ahead, Frankie.” His voice warbled like a bird’s, but instead of singing, he was choking back tears.

“And anyway, don’t you want to get out of here?” Gerard looked at him, eyes less sad now and more imploring. There was still the biting distrust in his eyes.

Frank had said that he wanted to leave, on multiple occasions. But that was before this all started, that was back when they were just friends. He didn’t know what he was saying back then, there was no need to get away like there was one now.

Maybe he felt a little worse about going away because it meant he could never come back. He could never face them when he was thirty, Christmas time trying to tell them that he wasn’t married. They would know, and they would kill him.

And he could never get married, he could never see himself doing that. So he couldn’t face them again, ten years down the line. He could never tell them that he was still living with Gerard, in a faraway town with no wife. They would know, if he let that all slip.

When he left, that was it. That was him saying goodbye to everything he’s ever known. His mother, his father, hell, even his dog. He would have to leave all of that behind, forever.

“We can never come back,” he said, introspectively to his lover. The ash from his cigarette burned him again before it faded into the ground. He would get hurt if he wasn’t careful enough. But when was he ever careful enough?

Gerard shrugged, shoving the butt of his cigarette into the ground. “Why would we want to?” Gerard’s words were much more bitter. He didn’t like it here as much as Frank did.

But despite his bias, Frank didn’t have anything to say to that. He was right, there was nothing here for them. This town was a carcass, something that they lived in when they were children, before they knew the horrors of the world and the beauty of each other. It was time to leave this place, suck up another town dry and move on.

Frank sighed and looked around, making sure that there was truly no one that could see them before he put his head on Gerard’s shoulder. He was always sure to be extra careful about affection, especially out in the open like this. His bedroom felt far safer.

Gerard’s body was warmer than the night air and Frank snuggled closer. He whispered into the air, not letting his words go too far away for fear of them floating off and someone else hearing, “I love you.” His words made the syllables like sweet poison arrows, fitting around the air and pushing it back out to infect the world with its sweetness, barbed wire catching onto Gerard’s clothes.

Gerard kissed the top of his head, always being the taller one and snuck an arm around him, engulfing him in warmth and love.

A fuzzy feeling spread into his soul, like cotton candy at the county fair was infecting his organs. He snuggled into closer to his lover, sticking a nose into his neck.

He liked it when Gerard got to hold him, entire body enveloping his soul, heating him up. He liked the fact that they were able to be out in the open, so affectionate.

There was never really a time where they had the ability to allow themselves to such luxuries and Frank cherished the morsels of physical affection.

Frank felt almost normal, almost like he would be able to do this during the day, out in the open, loving like he was loving Gerard right now.

Maybe they could go away. And maybe it wouldn’t fix anything, but it sure as hell would improve on what they had now. Maybe they could love like this more.

 


End file.
